For those of you misguided souls who keep referring to me via e-mail as ‘young’, I try to politely remind you and others of my dotage by dropping well placed references to pop culture reminiscences that only fellow ‘boomers’ would recognize..:). Many people my age remember the record album Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. While I was never a huge fan of the band, I was always impressed by the staying power of that album’s popularity. Now as a blogger, I think I can use the title as a hook..:).

I think most of us grew up hiding our transgenderism on the “dark side” not only because it was our deepest darkest secret that could not be revealed to anyone but because we were not really sure whether it was something we should embrace or encourage as part of our positive life force. Many of us probably went through, or may still go through, cycles with stages that include joy, guilt, fear, loathing, denial and purge. Most of us reach a point in time where we realize that at worst we must learn to co-exist with this part of ourselves, that denying it or running from it will not be successful. While I believe that realization is a healthy step in one’s self examination, I must also state with all my conviction that acceptance is not nearly enough to be truly happy and secure in being who you are. I think it is very important to love and embrace and nurture all of this part of yourself and what exploring it and living it can possibly bring to your life.

I think it is certainly reckless and presumptuous on my part to advise others what to do in their lives. I am smart enough not to attempt that. The things I am able and desire to do may not be what others are able or want to do whether it is by choice or life circumstance. Nevertheless I’d like to share what I consider to be the obvious growth and benefits that have come into my life since the time that I decided that I wanted to go out in the world and present fully as female.

The first noticeable thing I improved in my life was my diet and my exercise level. In order to keep my weight under control to more effectively present as female, I changed what I ate and the physical regimen I needed to make the “girl thing” work. As a result, my blood pressure and cholesterol level went way down and undoubtedly my health and self discipline were improved.

As we all learn to do, when we go out in public, I had to muster as much courage as I ever had done before in my life just to step foot out the door for the first time. The success I had in taking my female mode to all type of social settings gave me new found confidence in myself.

On the occasions I got read, I learned about what it was like to feel discrimination and it made me more tolerant and sensitive to others’ plights. In order to explain and present myself to all types of people in public, I learned about the power of self esteem, self restraint, the power of dignity, class, the smile and just generally being nice to people. In return I found out that most people are genuinely good and caring and open minded thinkers.

I took many of these new found qualities over to my male life. I became less pessimistic, more confident and dynamic. I was bolder and more self assured and I received two career promotions that I doubt I ever would have received had the Janine side of me not given me a kick in the pants..:)

In my family relationships I learned how to communicate my new found needs to my wife and in turn became a better listener to her own needs and fears. While I will never claim that the transgender wedge in marriage is not a large obstacle to overcome and negotiate, two loving parties willing to work at dealing with it learn to become adept at negotiating other non transgender issues such as finances, child rearing and the like.

In future essays I will try and delve into some of the dark side issues I face such as the difficulty in balancing two lives and the pains and problems in negotiating the girl world with concerned loved ones. But for today I hope I may have convinced some of you that much of our transgender experience can be moved to that other side of the moon, the one that sees the sun. Some of that is possible through new discovery and some of it is already deep inside your core being. Now where is that moon rover?..:)