I used to consider the point in time when I decided to venture out into the great strange unknown showing Janine to the world for the first time as the catalyst for my TG journey. I did not reach this point until well into my middle years after I had married and started a family, both of which I did relatively late in life. Looking back, I am sure this milestone for me was indeed a life changing turning point but undoubtedly it was just a reaction to the build up of repressed feelings and impending realization of my own mortality and a longing for a preferred and needed life not yet lived.

Being middle aged as a man with matching life experiences did not prepare me adequately for the challenges and new life experiences I would begin to face when I was projecting as female for the first time. I may have always felt there was a woman inside of me but my parents and the society they lived in never let me experience and indulge in the growing pains of living that preferred life, so the world had never perceived or interacted with me that way and consequently I was not allowed to live, learn and grow as a woman.

I had been warned from other T-role models I followed that “The Girl” going out and living for the first time was akin to a pubescent teenage girl going out for her first time. I soon found that what I had suspected might be clichéd whimsy was indeed true at least in my case. Initially I indulged heavily only in the delight taken in the improvement and mastery of my feminine look, of my own vanity, the power of my feminine sexuality and the fun ‘cotton candy’ side of being a woman. I’m not claiming that I do not find those powers delightful to employ today, I indeed do, but I use them with a bit more discretion and grace, .and my age has humbled the haughty lioness somewhat…at least I hope so..:)

As I progressed from ‘female puberty’ I began to seemingly re-visit where I was in my college years when I used to sit in a smoke filled room passing a bong with other budding ‘intellectuals’ while discussing esoteric philosophical and logical questions of life. Now 30 years later in a similar fashion I began to care more about the spiritual and emotional side of my female and transgender self. I began to wonder where I fit in on this wide ranging transgender continuum. I began to seek out political, societal, philosophical and scientific answers to my questions. I sought out from experts and so called experts plausible theories and concrete explanations for my questions of life, in this case my own gender identity and place in TG society. I probably also shared from my college times a pretentious view of life and a feeling of superiority born from books, absent the real wisdom of learning from living. I also had yet to develop a critical sense of self and faith of believing in who I was no matter whom else may have agreed or disagreed with me.

So where am I today? In girl years I’m probably in my late 20’s experience wise. [If only my real age matched my experience. I’d love to shed some wrinkles…:)]. I’m still inexperienced enough to make mistakes, but smart enough to know I will make them and be a better person for it. I treasure new challenges for today’s fears are tomorrows comforts. I still treasure passing in public and having fun fooling people but I love it just as much when I can win over, with grace, a smile and my pride of being TG, one who has recognized me for who I truly am. I understand my responsibility in furthering our cause and appreciate those who do it with a soapbox even as I try to do it my way one person at a time. I’m wise enough to know I do not know all the answers but I’m hopeful enough to believe some day I shall. I’ve developed enough self esteem to live life as I want to live it, to be who I know myself to be and I have somehow found the courage to do just that.