Among my many flaws, I count as an undeniable truth the fact that I am a poor dancer. I hope this surprises those of you who think I float with the grace of a gazelle and move like Cyd Charisse or Ginger Rogers. At the risk of tarnishing my superwoman aura, let me nonetheless use this forum to come clean. I’d like to blame the 3 inch heels or my lack of regard for techno pop dance mixes of bad 1980’s tunes found in every teenybopper club both west and east of the Mississippi.. [Where is a good age appropriate piano bar when you want one?..:) ]. The truth is I just don’t have very good rhythm just as I was not a very good athlete in high school. Oh well, not many jocks know how to apply lip gloss either… :).

At any rate, in trying to set up this long winded analogy let me just say that I spend most of my rare evenings on the dance floors doing my modified shuffle, sort of a 21st century box-step where I move side to side and back and forth one step at a time. In truth this sort of represents the gains that I have made in trying to socially network as a transgender person living only part time as a woman in this mainstream world. For every step forward I have made in thinking I have forged friendships and assimilated myself with non trans people, I seem to be able to find an equal number of dissatisfying and discouraging moments. Maddening to me, sometimes these setbacks seem to occur with the same people I thought I had made gains with. The sad truth for me so far has been that for every social victory or gain I have carved out, I can name an equal number of moments where I feel ostracized or patronized or treated like the new kid on the block.

I have spent a good amount of time writing and encouraging those of you who may be poised on the cliff with your glider. You may wonder whether the thrill and joy and satisfaction of jumping off and going out the door as the woman you have always been inside outweighs the fear and possible risk and rejection you may face once out there. At the risk of sounding cliché, let me state that the joy is certainly in the journey and not in the destination. And I say this not as a trans-person but as any type of person. I think sometimes transgender people associate disappointments with being transgender when in actuality all people experience social disappointments and setbacks. The truth is all people have insecurities and social disappointments and are victims of cliques, discrimination and mean people.

Every time I am rebuffed or patronized, I process it by accepting that I can’t win all people over or make them want to share an equal friendship with me. I have built a solid self esteem out of necessity and I know that someone’s rebuff to me is their lost chance at a wonderful friendship. I do not whine or lament or get down because it is counterproductive and wastes my precious time. I would not wish to receive anything out of pity and I do not believe in entitlement. Life is too short to cry or blame failures on being transgender. Each day has new opportunity. Seeking out that opportunity and offering yourself as a lovely and accomplished transgender woman is part of the joy of living as a woman.

There are so many places where a transgender person may go and be assured of finding people of wonderful qualities to befriend. Volunteer or community organizations, many open and accepting churches, patrons of the arts, evening education, and ladies’ social clubs are all places where one can begin to try and socially network. Presenting yourself at all times as a confident, happy, intelligent person who belongs in any venue is the only way to make you attractive and self assured enough to invite friendships of all kinds.

I encourage anyone who seeks to be accepted socially to seek out new venues and try and remain upbeat at all times. Ignore the negative and seek out the positive light and energy in your life. Never quit and never give up hope no matter how bleak and lonely and daunting the present may be. Learn from then banish forever your failures and negative encounters without second thought. Cherish and hold onto those morsels of success. Embrace and dedicate yourself to the few friends you are able to reach and meet and never let them forget how lucky they are to have you in their lives.